Updated: Feb 1
"You're cheating me out of children!"
Last night, he yelled this at me and it stung. I have a crazy good poker face and I’ve yet to experience a time where people could tell when their words affected me and last night was no different. Perhaps, this isn’t something I should brag about. It tends to keep people at a distance but I like it that way- at least that’s what I allow myself to believe. I have given some thought to the fact that I don’t want children and he has always seemed sometimey (not a real word but who gone check me boo) about wanting them. I mean, he’s 29 and still has time. I understood when he said I cheated him out of the marriage I promised him but I never promised children. I never out right promised him the house along with the 2.5 children that America deems necessary for the perfect marriage.
P.S. America girl- you’re in trouble.
We never concretely talked about children but every time someone spoke to us about children reached for the imaginary pearls around my neck and violently shook my head at the thought. How could he have not known? I didn’t say it out right but it was apparent in my actions. Those who know me well understand I do not want children. How could the man I’ve been married to and dating for almost 10 years not know? It doesn’t make sense to me.
Does anyone every really know if they want screaming minions to invade their quiet, wine- sometimes tequila filled, lazy in bed Sunday mornings? For me, it’s always been a huge no! There are many topics that should be discussed before tying the knot and this along with many others were skipped over. We were very young walking to the alter with no successful examples pointing out "the marriage must knows before saying-I do.” Any who, don’t get me wrong I don’t despise children or anyone who would've answer the last question with a “hell yeah, I want my Sunday mornings ruined!” I just think children are overrated. When he told me, I threw the “no kids” thing at him I was confused because again it wasn’t as if I ever promised children. See, I think he is under the assumption that in a marriage children are a guarantee. Does he not know about the infamous celebrity TV host Jeannie Mai?
Personally, I feel he’s attempting to use the topic of children to distract himself from the truth, I am a lesbian in a heterosexual marriage. If he could understand that it’s possible to come to the realization later in life it may be easier to let me go. I wish I had the realization sooner but the world we live just about shunned me into a hetero abyss. I don’t know the answers to the question of why now and I could guess so many things so I’m going to leave that one alone. When I mentioned to him that he will find a heterosexual woman that will love him as much and possibly more than I do, he scoffed. Why the hell is that so hard for him to believe? Have I messed up his sense of belief? I explained to him that it’s not his fault and there is nothing wrong with him. In fact, I am tired of telling him it’s me not you or that he is an amazing person and any straight woman would be happy to have him. If an older southern person heard some of the things he has said as to why he won’t let me go they’d say, “that boy loves your dirty draws.” He loves to tell me he only needs me. I KNOW! Don’t say “awe,” that crap hurts every time he says it. Honestly, I think he is going down the list of things that could have been a possibility but there's one problem, there is a lesbian in our marriage.